Look What I Found! Writings From the Past

Long ago, in an apartment far, far away...I wrote this. 

Exclamation Points: A Breakdown

Well hai there. How nice of you to visit mah humble little blog. I hope you love it so much you wanna trap it in your basement and wear its skin. 

Enough with the introductions. On to the scathing social commentary. 

I've been sucked into the soul-sucking demon that is facebook, and recently, while I'm mindlessly staring at my newsfeed in between Farmville harvestings and Mafia Wars jobs, I've noticied that apparently a lot of exciting/angry/other exclamatory adjective stuff seems to be going on in the facebook world. Aka, lots of internet shouting and exclamation points. "So what?" you ask. So what? My mind hasn't been riddled with internet holes enough to not become fucking irritated with this kind of nonsense

"Captain Asshat just got back from a test!! FAILZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Your Mom Just Discovered This 'internet' thing. How Fun!!!!!11!!!!!"

Maybe I'm just a bitch. But seriously. 

 An exclamation point, as defined by www.dictionary.com, is defined as, "the sign (!) used in writing after an exclamation." Basically, it's a little line with a dot under it that you put after exciting shit. Or after angry shit. Or loud shit (those loud shits are always awkward). See the trend here? But the dictionary doesn't define the very important and socially relevant function of the exclamation point; the ability to determine the user's general level of intellence.

One Exclamation Point: "Just stole an elderly man's cane!"

Intelligence: Average. This individual understands enough about punctuation to know that one of those line-with-a-dot-under-it doohickeys goes at the end of the exclamation. They also know that this exclamation is exclamatory enough to only merit one.

Two-Three !'s: As in, "Just exposed myself in public for the first time OMG so scary!!!"

Intelligence: Average to slightly below. Exposing oneself in public is most definitely pants-shittingly terrifying if you're the prudish type, and merits some extra proof of exclamatory-ness. In leiu of this, the multiple exclamation point-age suggests that the author can't think of any other way to express the sheer, like, JAWESOMENESS of the situation using their words.

Three or More: "OMG I LUVVV BRYANTTTTT!!!!!!!!!"

Intelligence: At this point...erm...notsomuch. Notice how the use of real words goes down as the ! count goes up. Coincidence? I think not.

1's are included: "LULZ thats funnyhahha I totally loled I luvvvvvv it tho!!!!!!!!!1!111!!!!11"

Intelligence: Has to be a fucking joke.

No, seriously: Go to the kitchen. That's the room with the box that makes cold. And the other box that makes nom noms warm. Go to the nom nom warmer. There are buttons/circles on it. Press them randomly because I assume you have no idea what the writings on them mean. Keep pressing until the nom nom warmer gets warm. Now time for a nap. Did you know the nom nom warmer is a great pillow? Thats right. Its niiiiiice and comfy, like a kitty cat. Be sure to close all the doors and windows. Then put your head right on top. Right where its nice and toasty. Remember to take nice, long breaths. Don't let the bedbugs bite.